NCEA 2.4 WRITING FOLIO: BEING THERE
“Wake up!” Your eyes flicker open, to bear witness to the chaos whilst you say good morning to each other. The siblings ferociously fight like giraffes in dry savannah plains in Africa. The Giant makes a potion in the cave. Ten toes turn true blue due to the lack of heat in the neglected house. Munch toast, gulp water, munch toast, spill water on your grey cotton hoodie that still doesn’t fit you yet. Orders from The Giant in the cave tells you to check the black bag of importance. Your eyes cautiously follow along as the bag unzips. “Oi hurry up!” Vroom! It was time. Becoming more anxious as you have gained a reputation to forget important items, you frantically check all the camera equipment in the pack is present. Discovering the forgotten camera mounts, you sneakily, quietly and cautiously slip in the camera mounts, so as not to alert The Giant.
Look. As the day progressively gets older, you notice new planes roaming the sky, as you peer to try and identify each one. The aircraft lap the airport like vultures stalking their prey. Two more aircraft take-off into the sky beyond. Driving through the entrance you watch as every person is on a mission to orchestrate the production that now was imminent. Sworn soldiers, mobile motors, huge hangers, patient planes, versatile volunteers, humming hummers, perfect pilots, tall tents, fast food stands, and tired toes. Walking through the arena of finely sourced machinery, you admire all of the freshly cleaned aircraft around you all with fresh paint jobs. You can already picture the whole
Smell. The tarmac burnt under the blazing hot sun giving off a distinct smell of summer and diesel. Planes prepare by filling themselves up with jet-fuel, which you smell all the way back at the staff building with your hands grasping the cold metal fence. Grabbing another camera mount, you skip through the gate past the security and into the dragon den. The smell of the tarmac thickens. “Just put them up on the dashboard, I will talk to the pilot about where we’ll put them later.” You quickly place all three cameras and mounts inside the cockpit and hurry back to safety.
This piece is developing a good strong sense of the of the scene you describe.
You are using some of the effects we explored in class – and there is room to take this further. Remember repetition, develop even more alliteration, assonance, personification.
Keen in mind the the adage “Show, don’t tell”. Consider the rhythm of the piece. There’s some great use of short sentences.
Try to develop the technique of the second person viewpoint. In the exemplars, which you can find here, there is a careful balance between the use of second and third person. Something to keep in mind is that a reader will accept you instructing them to listen or look – but you’re stretching credulity if you ask them to move their body or experience a particular sensory response – try not to operate your reader like a puppet.
There are some moments of vivid description in the piece, see if you can identify these and amplify their effects. Read your work aloud to yourself to test its sound and imagery.